just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
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I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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