GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules