I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
