Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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