remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
