i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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