Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
cat food counts as protein by the way
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
