My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
birth control should be required to get into college
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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