I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
