Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
