im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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