shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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