Even the bartender felt bad for me
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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