no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
