I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm like, not good at living.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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