Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
