So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
