I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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