So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
even my farts smell like vagina
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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