My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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