She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
