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I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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