I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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