I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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