i already hear my dad disowning me
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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