I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
