dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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