Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
