Well apparently he's into motor boating.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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