I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
