i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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