My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
