So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
