my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
