I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
