Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize