my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
