i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
