our cab driver is having phone sex.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
