toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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