found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
