what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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