Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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