Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
