it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
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it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
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Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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