She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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