I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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