Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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