my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
