Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She needs sedatives and a leash
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I supernannyed him into submission
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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