Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
