So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
