Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
