I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
