I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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