Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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