Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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