I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
then he tried to convert me to islam
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
