highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
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I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
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If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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