he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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