Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
