Sober January is a disaster.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
